Are You Struggling After Abortion?
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Juliette's Story
My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years. I stopped taking birth control pills about 4 years ago because I was scared of the side effects and we started using condoms instead. Because we had been together for a long time and we thought a condom was not ideal, I wanted to switch to a non-hormonal and more permanent contraception method, so I decided to book an appointment with my family doctor to get a copper IUD.During the appointment, she warned me about the side effects and symptoms I could be experiencing in the first few months of having an IUD, such as having irregular period, or fatigue. I got my IUD inserted at the beginning of June, and after that I did feel some of the side effects my doctor had warned me about. 6 weeks after the insertion, I had a follow-up appointment with her during which I mentioned not having had my period. She immediately reassured me by explaining again that it was most likely a side-effect from the IUD.After that, I experienced a very awkward summer: I was feeling extremely tired, sometimes dizzy and nauseous, and above all a lot of anxiety. At that time I thought most of it came from the IUD, and I couldn’t really explain where all the anxiety and emotions were coming from, but hey hormones mess up with us all the time so.. didn’t really bother.On a random Sunday, I was on the phone with my mum and told her about what I was going through, so we started talking about my contraception and that is when she advised me to get a pregnancy test. I thought she was being dramatic because there was NO WAY I could be pregnant. I had an IUD, and I knew it was a reliable contraception method.. right?Following her recommendation, I took a pregnancy test the next morning immediately after waking up, and guess what: yes, it was very much positive. I panicked. I didn’t want to have a baby. I had an IUD. I thought I had done everything right. Why was this happening now? I ran to my boyfriend and showed him the test without a word, and he was just as shocked as I was. I booked an appointment with my family doctor the same day during my lunch break to get her insight, and she immediately sent me to the closest hospital as she was fearing an ectopic pregnancy.After 13 hours waiting, I was told I was almost 12 weeks pregnant, that the fetus was in the uterus, and that their diagnosis was that I most likely got pregnant while my IUD was not properly positioned. Basically, the 2 “arms” are supposed to be at the bottom of the uterus, but one of them was in the cervix. The emergency gynecologist also explained that the IUD was so close to the fetus, they would need to remove it in order to allow me to proceed with the pregnancy if I wanted to. But, removing the IUD would have likely caused the water bag to break. “So, what do you want to do?”I didn’t know! The entire time we had been waiting, I had changed my mind about 100 times. My boyfriend and I talked about it over and over again. The more I thought about it, the more confused I got. Maybe because of the hormones, or maybe because I am very emotional, I was getting attached to the fetus. I had to rely on my boyfriend a lot during that time because in the end, I was just changing my mind every 5 minutes. I was feeling so lost. I didn’t think it was the right time for me to have a baby: both of our families live in Europe, I want to focus on my career for a few years, I am also a dancer outside of work and not ready to give up on this passion just yet, and most importantly, we didn’t feel like we were ready yet.Despite all these arguments, I was feeling like I could give up on everything that mattered to me. Yes, I was old enough for this, yes I could afford to have a baby. Would the decision to get an abortion make me a terrible person then? Someone that’s just so self-centered they treat a fetus like it’s nothing? Why get an abortion now if I decide to get pregnant in 2 years?
I got my abortion on the Saturday that week. It was hard, and I cried the entire time. I was feeling like I was losing a baby, even though I was the one making this decision for myself.Immediately after getting this abortion, I decided to reach out to PAT as I wanted to get help from a therapist in order to manage my emotions and grief. It took some time for me to understand that my abortion was not an “abortion of comfort”, and that there is no such thing! I was right to choose myself, and value my ambitions and projects. Just because I got an abortion doesn’t mean I will never get to experience motherhood. I will, when I decide the time's right. I feel very lucky to have been surrounded by so many understanding people. My boyfriend especially, has been with me the whole time and never let me down. This makes me confident I chose the right person for me and I love him more than ever.I guess the conclusion of my story is:1 – If you ever get an IUD, pleaaaase insist on having an ultrasound check, both during the insertion and for check-up.2 – Don’t feel bad for choosing yourself first. You only live once, and you deserve to become the person you want to be before having kids <33 – What helped me go through this was to find a positive outcome to this entire story. I think sharing my story with you is a good way of giving back a little bit of what I received. I personally also felt like I needed to “grieve” our fetus. My boyfriend called it our “little star” and I am getting a star tattoo to keep it with me forever.Everyone is different and will need to find their way of healing, that was mine.
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